Reading the New York Times with Father John Misty

I can’t grow thick enough facial hair to have a luxurious beard. Therefore, the second-most hipster thing I can do is to respond to today’s New York Times headlines using the titles of Father John Misty songs.

On this Father's Day, thank you for indulging my flailing attempts to be cool.

How Trump Came to Enforce a Practice of Separating Migrant Families

FJM - “When the God of Love Returns, There’ll Be Hell to Pay”

A Financier’s Profit-Minded Mission to Open a Channel Between Kushner and North Korea

FJM - “Things It Would’ve Been Helpful to Know Before the Revolution”

Just the Fear of a Trade War Is Straining the Global Economy

FJM - “Just Dumb Enough to Try”

Beyoncé and Jay-Z Deliver a Surprise Album: ‘Everything Is Love’

FJM - “Total Entertainment Forever”

Major Study of Drinking Will Be Shut Down

FJM - “Nothing Good Ever Happens At the Goddamn Thirsty Cow”