TEAMS TO ROOT FOR:
England:
* England has world-class tabloids. Win or lose, the Sun's headlines will be amazing.
* England has recently cornered the market on entertaining Harrys. In this case, if Harry Kane wins the Golden Boot, he may be moved ahead of Prince Harry in royal line of succession.
* They have the second-best team nickname in the tournament - Three Lions.
France
* You couldn't get away with this if you were a hard core England fan (read: English native) but no one reading this is, so have fun.
* If a middle school class were a World Cup team, they would be France -- equal parts drama, talent, and risky fashion choices.
* Kylian Mbappe is young, electric, and a threat to score at any time.
* Unlike England, if they perform to their talent level, they are plausible champions.
Nigeria
* The Super Eagles have the best nickname in the tournament.
* They have the best uniforms, too.
Egypt
* Mohammad Salah is the Steph Curry of international soccer - he scores a lot and often at insane levels of difficulty.
* Salah is single-handedly making Europeans more tolerant of Islam.
*...but he may miss games because of a questionable play during the European club championship where he injured his shoulder. It's no exaggeration to say that his left shoulder is the most watched joint in the world at the moment.
* Egypt has been an African powerhouse, but is making their first World Cup appearance in 28 years. When they qualified, the celebration was like Denver when the Broncos won the Super Bowl, but for an entire country.
TEAMS THAT ON BALANCE, YOU SHOULD ROOT FOR, AND WILL BE FASCINATING REGARDLESS
Argentina
* Their national cuisine is grass-fed steak, reasonably priced delicious wine, and empanadas. These are my kind of people.
* Messi, in his likely final World Cup, is still the best player in the world and maybe the best of all time. Like LeBron's Cavs, they probably won't win the final....but maybe one of four times, they could.
* The power of Catholicism will be put to the test, as this is the Pope's team (and de facto team for the Vatican since Italy -- in the greatest national disgrace since fascism -- didn't make the tournament).
Spain
* They play one of the most recognizable styles in the world (tiki-taka, characterized by possession, short-passes, and lots of movement). Drop that knowledge at any watch party in order to cut off would-be mansplainers (present company included).
* They fired their coach the day before the biggest tournament in the world because of what amounts to a minor HR procedural matter.
* Andres Iniesta, though close to my age, is a midfielder still capable of making pinpoint, beautifully geometric passes, thereby giving all the dads in my neighborhood hope that somehow, we still have it.
Iceland
* By far the smallest country in the World Cup. This is akin to fielding a world class team from the population of Williamson County.
* Their cheer is "Skol!" and their fans do a thunder clap. It's like the Florida Gator chomp, but won't inspire nausea since Icelanders are better people than Flordians.
Belgium
* The thinking person's dark horse bid.
* Though the country was formed relatively recently from an odd mix of France, the Netherlands and Germany, they have a beer drinking culture that is all their own. Priorities, people.
TEAMS THAT I WON'T CHEER FOR BUT STILL WILL WATCH FOR THE SAME REASONS I WATCH THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFFS EVEN THOUGH IT'S SUCH A NAKED MONEY GRAB AT THE EXPENSE OF UNPAID 20 YEAR-OLDS THAT I KIND OF HATE MYSELF CONTRIBUTING TO THE PROBLEM
Brazil
* They are the hipster bandwagon choice. Unless a person speaks fluent Portuguese, then one shouldn't wear the (admittedly gorgeous) Brazilian uniform.
* Neymar is the favorite player of middle school boys most likely to earn detention for repeatedly talking during instruction.
* They are absolutely loaded and worth watching in the same way the UK basketball is. It might be a showcase of skill and athleticism; it might implode due to unrelenting pressure from their insane fans.
Germany
* Die Mannschaft is the equivalent of Alabama football. Their team is 2-deep with star-level talent at every position and they attract a lot of bandwagon fans but only a handful of natives are tolerable as human beings.
* The nickname Die Mannschaft is cool. The translation -- "The Team" -- is boring. If ever a team nickname encapsulated a populace, this is it.
Portugal
* Cristiano Ronaldo is a beautiful man and knows it as only a elite narcissist can.
* Obnoxious personality aside, he really is that good.
TEAMS ABOUT WHICH I DON'T KNOW HOW TO QUANTIFY MY FEELINGS
Mexico
* All the ingredients of a team I love to casually root for -- talented, but with a history of coming up short at the highest levels; passionate fans from a underdog kind of place; excellent native food; taught a ton of kids who will root their hearts out for El Tri
*....but they are US team's main rival (Dos a cero, anyone?)
* Regardless, I want to catch one of their games at a Mexican restaurant on Nolensville Road. It will be lit.
Uruguay
* They are the crazy-talented underdogs of South America. They have the twin virtues of being able to win the tournament and not being Brazil
* Their uniforms are simple and gorgeous.
* Luis Suarez, their star scorer, is both compulsively watchable and also bit a dude during the last World Cup. That's a bridge too far for me.
I AM NOT ROOTING FOR THESE TEAMS BECAUSE EVEN BY THE LOW STANDARDS OF THIS MESSED UP WORLD, THEY HAVE HORRIFIC POLITICAL SITUATIONS
Russia
* This World Cup is yet another example of Vladimir Putin using major sporting events to whitewash his invasions of sovereign nations, murdering of anyone who stands in his way, and committing mind-blowing amounts of graft and theft. Fuck that guy.
Saudi Arabia
* The royals prove that there really is no limit to man's greed.
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