If the response is anger, you've already lost

Some thoughts on anger and working with kids

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I think a lot about what should be a new teacher's first priority. The first year is overwhelming, the first few weeks especially so, and folks can only process a little at a time. When we're learning something new, we can barely do one thing at a time.

So what should that be?

Depends on the person, of course, but as a general rule, focus on maintaining emotional constancy.

To translate that from teacher-ese: check your anger.

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Anger often comes from being surprised. You weren't expecting the kid to interrupt you or say that smart-aleck remark, or use profanity, so you're caught off guard. 

Your face becomes flush, your voice raises in volume, the edge sharpens on the tone.

You cease to see the child as a child. You take seriously what a 12-year-old says to you. It's personal.

You say something in an effort to gain control. This, of course, is the first true mistake because you chose to play the game. From here, all of the outcomes are bad. 

With some games -- three-card monte on an NYC sidewalk, poker at the high-stakes table in Vegas come to mind -- the best option is not to play. 

Losing your temper makes matters worse every single time.

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I occasionally get asked about how to deal with a student who shows frustrating behavior, then emotionally escalates. 

What works may strike you as counter-intuitive, but here it is: give the kid time and space, then having the conversation. It's rare that one can talk a child out of being upset. Rather, what happens is that the adult joins the child in being upset and this further escalates the child.   

This, obviously, isn't easy. It's hard to keep a class going while a student says or does things that break all sorts of rules. If a student is highly escalated and jeopardizes the physical or emotional safety of others, you may need to get help. 

You may need to do that while your face is flush and you struggle to keep an even tone. You may have to ignore insults about your looks, gender, race, voice, or clothes.

This is hard and takes a toll. Beyond making sure you get enough rest and you've got a few good listeners in your life, I don't have much in the way of solutions.

Two things are highly likely to happen in the aftermath: 

1) The student will eventually become calm. No one stays mad forever.

2) He or she will feel awful about what was said. As terrible as you feel, it's exponentially worse for the student because it's humiliating to lose self-control in front of others. Even if the student doesn't show it, he or she feels it. 

What do to about the other kids: Even if other kids are giggling or laughing, it's a nervous response more than anything. At that moment, the other kids are craving to see that an adult is in charge and isn't fazed by what's happening.

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A lot of writing on classroom management is focused on tactics or pedagogy. Use such and such routine or plan a better lesson. Routines and planning are critical to making a classroom function. However, given the limited capacities of people, focusing on keeping a cool head should be the first priority. 

Everything else flows from that.